How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Everyone Else's Feelings

Do you find yourself worrying about whether someone is upset with you?

Do you say yes when you really want to say no because you don't want to disappoint someone?

Do you replay conversations, wondering if you said the wrong thing?

There’s an important difference between caring about someone’s feelings and taking responsibility for them.

You can be kind, compassionate and thoughtful without making it your job to keep everyone around you happy.

Why do we do it?

For some people, keeping others happy became a way of maintaining peace. Maybe conflict wasn't handled well in your family. Maybe you learned that being helpful earned approval. Or perhaps you've simply spent years being the person everyone depends on.

Over time, you can become very good at anticipating what everyone else needs — while barely noticing what you need yourself.

Someone is disappointed? Fix it.

Someone is angry? Calm them down.

Someone needs help? Drop what you're doing.

Someone doesn't like your decision? Reconsider it.

Eventually, this can become exhausting.

Someone else's discomfort doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.

This can be particularly difficult when you start setting boundaries.

You say no to something you've always agreed to.

You stop solving a problem that someone is capable of solving themselves.

You tell an adult child, friend, parent or partner that you aren't available.

They may be disappointed.

They may even be angry.

That doesn't necessarily mean your boundary is unreasonable.

Sometimes people react negatively simply because they're accustomed to you saying yes.

Try asking yourself a different question.

Instead of:

"How do I make them feel better?"

Ask:

"Did I behave respectfully and communicate honestly?"

That's a much healthier standard.

You are responsible for how you communicate, how you behave and how you treat other people.

You aren't responsible for controlling their emotional response.

This doesn't mean becoming insensitive.

Healthy boundaries aren't about saying, "Your feelings aren't my problem."

You can acknowledge someone's feelings without changing your decision.

"I understand you're disappointed."

"I know this isn't what you wanted."

"I can see why you're frustrated."

Those statements communicate empathy without automatically taking responsibility for fixing the situation.

Pay attention to what happens in your body, too.

People who are accustomed to keeping everyone happy can experience real physical discomfort when they begin setting boundaries.

Your heart may race. Your stomach may tighten. You may feel anxious or guilty.

That discomfort doesn't necessarily mean you're making the wrong decision. It may simply mean you're doing something unfamiliar.

Like physical strength, emotional strength develops through practice.

You learn that someone can be disappointed with you — and the relationship can survive.

Someone can disagree with you — and you don't have to convince them.

Someone can have a difficult emotion — and you don't have to immediately make it disappear.

Caring about people is healthy. Carrying everyone's emotions for them isn't.

Sometimes one of the healthiest things you can do for both your mind and your body is recognize what belongs to you — and what doesn't.

TotalFit SolutionsMind + Body