The Difference Between Supporting Someone and Rescuing Them

Helping someone we care about feels like a good thing.

And usually it is.

But there can be a surprisingly fine line between supporting someone and repeatedly rescuing them.

Support says:

"I'm here while you work through this."

Rescuing says:

"I'll take care of this so you don't have to."

The difference matters.

Why do we rescue people?

Sometimes it's simply because we love them.

We don't want our children to struggle. We don't want our partner to be stressed. We don't want a friend to make a mistake.

Sometimes rescuing also helps us feel better.

Watching someone we love struggle can be uncomfortable. Stepping in removes their discomfort — but it may also relieve our own anxiety.

So we make the phone call.

We solve the financial problem.

We smooth over the disagreement.

We make the appointment.

We provide another excuse.

We step in before the other person has an opportunity to figure things out.

It works.

At least temporarily.

The problem with constantly fixing things

When we repeatedly solve another person's problems, we may unintentionally prevent them from developing confidence in their own ability to handle difficult situations.

They learn:

"Someone will fix this."

Instead of:

"I can figure this out."

And the person doing the rescuing can become exhausted, frustrated and resentful.

You may eventually find yourself wondering:

"Why am I always the one taking care of everything?"

Sometimes the uncomfortable answer is that we've trained the people around us to expect it.

Supporting someone looks different

Support doesn't mean abandoning someone.

You can listen.

You can offer advice when it's wanted.

You can help someone think through their options.

You can encourage them.

You can be there when something doesn't work out.

But you don't necessarily have to take over.

Sometimes one of the most supportive questions you can ask is:

"What do you think you're going to do?"

That question communicates something powerful:

"I believe you're capable of handling this."

Allowing people to struggle can be an act of love

This can be particularly difficult with adult children, aging parents, partners or close friends.

But struggle isn't always harmful.

Making decisions, experiencing consequences, solving problems and recovering from mistakes are part of developing resilience.

We can't build another person's resilience for them.

Sometimes we have to tolerate our own discomfort long enough to allow someone else to develop theirs.

Supporting someone means standing beside them. It doesn't always mean carrying them.

Learning the difference can create healthier relationships — for everyone involved.

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Mind + Body

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